Surrendering Control- A Love Story.

I'm fairly certain that the term "surrendering control" is somehow the world's worst oxymoron. How does one surrender control when you're never in control in the first place? It's an illusion. It doesn't exist! I only know this now, yet for years I spent hours in a therapist's office trying to strike a balance, or is that a bargain? Perhaps I can just surrender partial control? Maybe it can be like a diet? I eat nothing all week and then splurge on the weekends? This all made my therapist a boatload of money but he didn't ever have the decency to tell me I couldn't actually achieve this "goal."


Yesterday, I finally surrendered control. I did. I surrendered, as in threw my hands up in the air and said, "enough," and I gave my control to someone else. Actually, what I really did was ALLOW someone else, Jeff, to have a chance to participate. That's probably the true meaning of surrendering control. I allowed someone else in my life to help me. I allowed someone else in my life to join in as a member of the team. I realized that the only thing I can control are the choices I make to quit doing the same things over and over again expecting a different result. I also recognized that the padded room wasn't going to hold all my furniture (and the six cats). I also don't want to live there by myself


As I've written before, Jeff and I have been working through the growing pains of opening this business together. I give Jhim tremendous credit. He's been a good sport, watching me "control" everything and knowing that this also meant a lack of trust on some level. I can't speak for him, but if "control" has personal meaning to me it means simply, I don't think you can do it as well as I can and I don't trust you enough to find out. 


Therefore, I don't think there are appropriate enough words in the English language to describe how I felt yesterday. I was standing in my office, OUR office, and it was this one split second of clarity where I thought to myself, What am I doing? My fiance is sitting at my desk, trying to balance the bank account, and I'm in a cold sweat that this means he wants to take over, he wants to take control! He wants to take away my job! He thinks I'm out of control! I'm not kidding. All of these thoughts were flying through my head because Jeff wanted one thing, to be included. To participate. To be my partner. To be trusted. At that moment I knew it was surrender or face losing everything.


So, I did. I'd like to say that this wonderful feeling of calm came over me. I'd love to sum this up in that mostly irritating way authors do when you read one of their self help books. I had an epiphany and I'm healed! You too can find peace if you follow these five easy steps. Just send $9.99 in a self-addressed stamped envelope and your enlightenment should arrive in 7-10 business days. Operators are standing by should you need immediate assistance. 


In truth, I'm feeling a little agitated. However, for the first time in my life I'm letting someone into my whole life, and there's a sense of excitement attached to that as well. I admit, I do hover over Jeff when he's at my desk, and ask what he's doing each time he opens the drawer to write a check, look for an invoice or enter something in Quickbooks. Actually, hover isn't quite accurate. It's a bit more like crowding and the questions definitely have a "tone of voice" to go along with their seeming innocence. However, my intentions are genuine and Jeff is worth it. Honey, just please don't give control back now that I've surrendered it to you. I've waved the white flag for the last time.


Love, Mimi. 

A New Year. A New Lesson

Once upon a time I was wealthy. My father, a savvy investor, took very good care of his three children. From very little he made "very lot", not only for us but for my mother, his sister and his own parents. I don't have much left to show for it. Writing this sentence is very difficult for me, as it brings forth the ways in which I have failed to be a good steward of this gift I was given. It also unleashes the pain of never asking for help when I needed it, of failing to recognize how deeply sad I was, of trusting no one and of creating the reputation that I'm financially irresponsible. I will never recover the money but I hope I will recover my ability to not feel like a failure at times.

How does this relate to my wine store? Well, it directly relates to not having the means to feed my baby, who is a bit hungry right now. Three months ago when we opened I did so with exactly the amount I needed to fill the shelves somewhat, pay my contractor, buy some fixtures and satisfy my landlord's security requirements. I had no reserves. The store was born a 12 pounder and it gobbled up everything in sight. I think Jeff and I were both shocked at the pace at which our baby moved and some days it was all we could do to keep up. Clearly, there is another lesson here but that's for another blog. 

This business is unlike others I've been in because of the sheer precision at which you have to price your inventory and move it. Unlike fashion, with large margins, this one demands constant supervision and tweaking in order to maintain your gross profit. Volume is key and as a new business, chasing back long defected customers, there is no room for lack of funds nor lack of focus. If I still had my own money I wouldn't be worried about the one sentence that puts fear in all retailer's hearts, "Don't get posted." This is akin to saying, "Don't forget to lock your doors at night," because all it takes is one late payment and your feelings of violation will be severe. And you're also pretty certain the bad guy is hiding under your bed (with the Bogey Man) waiting to jump out and scare you again.

So, as I begin 2011, I'm feeling the lessons of my life weighing on me. I love this store and I love this business. I believe we're more than on the right path to success. But how do I find the means to pull myself to the next level when I've made my financial bed? It's amazing how powerless I feel without the safety of money in the bank to carry me through the lean moments. I have much to be grateful for, especially my father's unwavering belief in me despite reasons for him to feel cautious. I strive to reclaim my feeling of financial independence and adult-ness on those darker days when what I want is to suck my thumb and hide under the covers. I will get there gradually but right now what I wouldn't give for a good night's sleep and a visit from a very flush Tooth Fairy.